Now I want to be very clear I do not recommend that anyone face depression or anxiety alone. SEEK HELP, nor am I suggesting that what has helped me recently will help anyone else. I just want to share my experience while it is still fresh.

I may have written this before but it is worth repeating, I grew up with a mother who was a poet, astrologer, and a painter. She was also an avid reader of eastern philosophies and the so called occult. As a child I believed that everyone had a mother like mine. And that every child was instilled with certain beliefs, guideposts, and knowledge that my mother instilled in me. Of eastern philosophies the one that influenced me the most was Taoism. Taoism has also been referred to as “The Way,” Now I won’t go into Taoism in this post, that would take more than one post and there are enough books, podcasts, Alan Watts YouTube posts, that could and will give you a much better idea and introduction. I will make a list on my Metaphysical Monday post coming up this Monday, March 13th.

I would liken my faith in “The Way,” so called, to that of a Christians faith in Jesus. The difference is that with Taoism there are no store from Taoist temples, in the “hood” where I live. Nor are there any Taoist Temples next to pawnshops and liquor stores, however there are Churches and there are groups of people in and out of those churches with profound faith. I’ve seen it and it is tangible. To be Black in America and to be heavily influenced by Taoism is a lonely pursuit, however some of the same basic tenets that are in Christianity are in Taoism. They are, meditation/prayer, a higher faith, and the belief in oneself. For myself personally I had practiced meditation, I had faith in the way, and I had faith in myself. Until I didn’t. I had the rug pulled out from underneath me three pivotal times in my life. Times that could have changed my life Twice, but even after those two times, I could say that I was still on the so called path. Even after these things happened to me and devastated me. I kept my practice of meditation, faith in the way, and belief in oneself. I’m not sure when I turned my back on all of that or way, However most of it was rooted in me doing something that was antithetical to who I was. I did this thing for six years, I lost my practice, the way, and the faith in myself. Let me say this if there are indications in your early life that you are to follow a certain spiritual path and you follow said path and then turn your back on it chances are you will become an asshole.

I became an asshole because I was suffering and didn’t know why. I thought that I was doing all the right things, and that those things would be recognized, but I wasn’t being true to myself. I believed that the way I was helping others that I would be helped in kind. I was wrong. I had diminished myself and no one asked me to. However after a while it became too late. The meditation had long given way to drinking, before the day started and when it ended. The Way was dark I couldn’t see, there was no light on the path, my self loathing and disbelief in myself had darkened it. Life herself was always adding insult to injury. And as much as I would like to blame others I can’t. There were things that were happening so rapidly and chaotically that the only place I found myself was in this perpetual state of want and not in appreciation of anything. Even the alcohol I was consuming.

A third rug was pulled recently and saw no answer what so ever. The depression, the anxiety, the self loathing perpetuated. Until I started slowly going back to my routines of the past. If I was too anxious too sit and mediate, I would walk and chant, if someone couldn’t find a piece of equipment that I needed for a job that may have given me more opportunity, I asked my dad to loan me the money to buy the piece of equipment. My Dad didn’t loan me the money, but he has called a couple of times and apologized for past indiscretions. In other words I routine and alternatives. Now am I where I want to be relationship wise or financially or vocationally, no. However I don’t wake up with the knot in my stomach every morning nor do I go to bed with it every night. And this may sound like a cliché but I can only control what I can control. I forgot how to love myself completely, did I do this to make others feel comfortable, probably. However that doesn’t matter no one asked me to.

This doesn’t mean that I will not seek help, there are rooted issues that must be faced and I can’t do it alone. Still there is a sunrise, there is my meditation, there is light on the path so I can see the way, and I have faith in myself. And if it any small concession I have faith in you.

IF YOU OR ANYONE YOU KNOW IS SUFFERING FROM MENTAL ILLNESS PLEASE CALL 988

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